Sub Drop and the Importance of Aftercare

Recently, I experienced a sub drop for the first time ever. For those of you who don’t know, a sub drop is a feeling of sadness or sort of a depressive state following a session of BDSM play that happens because of dropping endorphin levels after doing BDSM. And to be completely honest, I didn’t know what it was until I started this blog and the accompanying Instagram account. Also, on top of sub drops, there is also a condition known as postcoital dysphoria, which is a similar state of sadness, but can happen even with vanilla sex. According to a study conducted in 2015, around 46% of women reported having experienced this. But anyways, the other day, I had kinky sex with my boyfriend, but instead of the usual ropes and choking and whatnot, we tried using an anal vibrator for only the second time ever. Afterwards, once we were fully dressed and just hanging out in his room, I started to feel upset, and I started to feel a sense of doubt towards his love for me (which is absolutely ridiculous; our relationship is and always has been fantastic). The next day, I woke up feeling straight-up depressed. I still had no idea at the moment why I was feeling this way. A few hours into the day, I texted my boyfriend, saying I was feeling depressed, and he asked: “Do you know what might’ve caused it?” Previously to that moment, I didn’t even think about the idea of “what caused it,” but in that moment, I realized, “oh yeah, sub drops are a thing, and I started feeling upset after we had sex, so that’s probably it,” and so I responded by telling him about that. And then I thought back on the time during which we had sex, and I realized– we forgot to do aftercare. I’m not mad at him about it though, because he wasn’t the only one forgetting about it. I forgot as well. I could’ve remembered and reminded him, but I didn’t. But anyways, big moral of the story is: Never forget aftercare.

But speaking of aftercare, some of you might not know exactly what that even is. According to Kinkly, “aftercare is the period of time after a scene in which partners attend to one another’s physical, emotional, and psychological needs.” I’ll go ahead and compile a list of things you can do during aftercare to help you out:

-If you’ve done anything that created wounds, make sure to take care of those immediately.
-Offer pain meds
-Make sure the sub is in a comfortable location (e.g. a bed or a couch)
-Put a blanket on the sub
-Offer water
-Give verbal reassurance and praise
-Offer chocolate; this helps increase blood sugar and oxytocin (make sure the sub is not allergic to chocolate)
-Offer other food if they don’t want chocolate.
-Cuddle
-Make sure to communicate about what both of you liked or disliked
-Continue to communicate with the sub for a few days to make sure they’re okay

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My Journey Into BDSM [Collaboration]

Hey guys! This blog post is another collaboration with, once again, Little Penny Berry, but also with Erotic Musings with Papa Grizzly! Make sure to check out both of their blogs for the other two parts of this collab, and check out their Instagram pages, @littlepennyberry and @grizzlybrattin for more content from them! As you can see based on the title, this collaboration is about our personal experiences and journeys with BDSM. So, without further ado, here’s my story:

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When I was in high school, everyone thought I was so innocent. I was introverted, smart, a teacher’s pet, and I had never even kissed anyone. But what they didn’t know- but what I’ll openly admit to people now- is that I’ve had a desire to be tied up longer than I even knew what sex was. Even when I was in elementary school, I would have my sister tie me up with scarves for fun because I just liked it. Obviously, I eventually hit puberty, developed a sex drive, started finding out what BDSM is, and realized why I enjoyed being tied up.
Fast forward to my freshman year of college. I met the love of my life, I lost my virginity, and I became slightly addicted to sex… But anyways, for a few months, everything sexual was completely vanilla. I didn’t know how to express to my boyfriend that “hey, I wanna be tied up and used like a dirty wh*re.” But during a college-related trip, some of our friends mentioned the BDSM test, which, for those of you who don’t know, is an online test in which you answer several questions about what arouses you, and it tells you what your kinks are. So, on the 2-hour drive back to our college, we both took the test and read our answers out loud to each other. Needless to say, every time I got to a question about being tied up, I expressed my enthusiastic interest without hesitation, catching my boyfriend off-guard. When I finished the test, my results came out with 100% Rope Bunny and 93% Submissive on top. My boyfriend’s came out with 59% Switch and 56% Vanilla. He really had never even considered doing anything kinky- or, more accurately, he had never thought about it or bothered to explore these things. He thought he was vanilla. So, I had to convince him to try to be kinky. And I have been, but it’s been a slow process. A few weeks after that college trip, for Valentine’s Day, I convinced my boyfriend to buy a remote-controlled vibrator. And on Valentine’s Day (or rather, the day before Valentine’s Day because there were schedule conflicts on Valentine’s Day), after a nice dinner, once we were in the car, I put the vibrator in, and he took control of me for the entire drive. And of course, we got some rope, and he ties me up occasionally (we don’t always take the time to do it cause we both just want to get to business). At some point after that (I don’t remember exactly when), I discovered that I like being choked, because during sex, he put his hand on my throat, but without pressure, and I found it to be a turn-on and discussed it with him, and I believe he started choking me the next time we had sex. Of course, there’s also spanking, but I don’t exactly remember when that came into play either, and he’ll suck on my nipples to the point where it’s painful. Over time, we’ve been progressing towards more of a true dom/sub relationship, and we’re getting close, but we’re still not quite there yet (it’s been less than a year since we took the BDSM test). The only thing that really still isn’t there yet is punishment, and I think it’ll be a little bit before that happens. So, we’re really still in the fairly early stages of our journey, and we’re learning, and I decided to make this blog in part so that I can help all of you learn and go on this journey right along with me, because a lot of my story has yet to be written.

Talking About Sex Without Being Sexual

I’ve noticed that, despite the fact that my Instagram bio says “taken” and the fact that I’m clearly just trying to create content about sex for the sake of empowering my followers, I (and many other people with accounts similar to mine) get a lot of messages from guys trying to be sexual with me. And, let me be clear, I’m perfectly fine with talking about sex with just about whoever, as long as it’s platonic and nobody’s getting horny from the conversation. Like, I can tell people what my kinks are and share sexual experiences, but as soon as it’s clear that the person messaging me has a sexual interest in me, it’s no longer okay. Talking about sex should be able to be as casual as talking about food or clothing or movies. A person can say “I love your shoes” without having any desire to steal them, so why can’t people say “I’m interested to know what your kinks are” without having any desire to have sex with a person? It should be perfectly normal to be able to talk about sex without having a desire to have sex with the other person in the conversation, but for some reason, it’s not. And by “some reason,” I mean the taboos surrounding sex and kink that are prevalent throughout the world. One of our most natural instincts is considered a private matter, dirty, bad, “sinful,” etc. Those taboos prevent us from talking casually or frequently about sex, and conversation about sex is usually limited to one’s partner. This causes us to make a subconscious connection that talking about sex in any capacity leads to having sex. We need to break down these views on sex so that we can talk about sex in an “unsexy” way without it being sex ed class (you know, learning the anatomy of reproductive organs, learning about STD’s, watching a video about childbirth, and maybe learning how to put a condom on correctly if you’re lucky). We should be able to talk about sex and kink in such a way that we’re teaching each other or helping empower each other to explore our sexuality and kinks and to be more confident with sex. People shouldn’t automatically get horny from the mention of sex. Conversation about sex doesn’t just mean sexting, it can be something so much better and something we can share with people who we have no intention of every having sex with. We need to open up conversation about sex in a casual, platonic, non-sexual way. We need to be able to teach each other about kinks, give each other advice, talk about our sexual experiences, talk about consent. We, as a society, need to learn to really talk about sex.

Is There a Safe Way to do Knife Play?

Someone asked me this question, and, although I knew about knife play and knew that there had to be a way to do it safely, I had no idea how to do it safely. I personally have never been interested in knife play- in fact, I’m slightly afraid of sharp objects- so needless to say, I had never looked into this. But a quick Google search pulled up an article with all the information you need in order to do knife play safely.

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Before anything else is said- Do not do knife play if you are using blood thinners or if you have a clotting disorder.

First of all, you need to be prepared:

–“Make sure that you have antiseptic, band aids, gauze, ice packs, and anything that you need to prevent sub drop (a stuffed animal, a blanket, a book, a pillow, etc).”
–Have a phone nearby in case of an emergency; if something goes wrong, you want to get help as quickly as possible.

–Make sure the knife is clean and not rusty. This one was actually not in the article as far as I saw, but I figured I should include this. You don’t want your partner or yourself to end up with an infection.

–As with any form of kink, make sure you trust your partner and you have a safe word. It’s probably even more important for this because of how potentially dangerous it could be if something goes wrong.

–The sub should not be tied up tightly while engaging in knife play. This can restrict blood flow.

And then during the act, you need to know what you’re doing:

–This image shows which parts of the body are safest or most dangerous for knife play, based on how close to the surface of the skin the blood vessels are. The green areas are the safest, whereas the red areas are the most dangerous. The areas in the purple circles are areas you should not attempt to use a knife on under any circumstances, as using a knife on those areas could potentially be lethal.

–Do not perform knife play while simultaneously performing a sexual act. This could cause the knife to come in contact with an area that was not intended.

–You can use the dull edge of the knife as well, and it’s safer to use than the sharp edge, but still stay away from the areas in the purple circles.

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From what I’ve gathered, that’s all you need to know, but I’d still suggest talking to someone who’s actually done it just to make sure you’re as thoroughly prepared as possible. And don’t try it until you’re confident that you know what you’re doing.

What Qualities does a Sub Need to Have?

I’m doing this post as a collaboration with @littlepennyberry to give all of you two different (but both beneficial) perspectives on this topic. Overall, her perspective is more how to be a good sub, whereas mine is moreso how to be a sub safely. Both are incredibly important, and I highly recommend reading both. Go check her out on Instagram and on her blog for her half of the collaboration!

1. The ability to differentiate between words and actions done for the sake of kink and real life. If the sub does not possess this ability, being hurt or degraded in a kinky way could have the same effect on them as abuse. If the dom is choking the sub and the sub’s mind treats it the same as being choked in a violent manner, that can be very detrimental to the sub’s mental health and to the relationship.
2. Communication skills. This is so necessary when engaging in any kind of kinky activity. First of all, the sub needs to communicate their desires and fears to their dom, and secondly, they need to be able to speak up and use their safe word when they feel uncomfortable. If the sub does not communicate with their dom, the sub could get hurt, or the dom might do something that the sub didn’t actually consent to without realizing it.
3. Honesty. This goes hand-in-hand with communication skills. A sub needs to be honest with theirself and with their dom in order to prevent unwanted physical/emotional harm. A sub cannot be timid about telling the truth about what they want and what they don’t want.
4. Commitment/Decisiveness. A sub shouldn’t be debating with themselves if they’re actually comfortable with something all the way up until the moment it happens. That could, again, cause things to be done that the sub does not actually want. I can be very indecisive at times, but I’m lucky enough that my dom can read my body language well enough to know I don’t want something before I’m even 100% sure myself. But not everyone is that lucky, so you have to be decisive and, again, able to communicate.
5. Ability to cope with mental/emotional pain. After an intense session of being dominated, a sub can experience what’s known as a sub drop, which is sort of a depressed state, and the sub needs to know how to combat that (and how to attempt to prevent it in the first place- aka the previous four qualities). The sub must know how to get theirself out of that state and must be able to take action.
6. Willngness to be vulnerable and give up control. Those two things are exactly what happens when you’re being dominated, and if you’re not fully willing to let those things happen, you shouldn’t be letting someone dominate you. A person can’t truly give consent for something that involves aspects that they’re not willing to let happen, and they can’t truly enjoy it either.
7. Trust (but not being too trusting). The sub has to place a lot of trust in their dom to let them take control and especially to let them tie them up or inflict physical pain. But they have to make sure that their dom is someone worthy of their trust. They have to be trusting enough to give up control, but sensible enough not to do so with the wrong person.
8. Willingness to have boundaries. A sub must know their limits, fears, and turn-offs just as well as (if not better than) their desires, and they must be willing to make sure the line is not crossed. Otherwise, the sub will get hurt (but not in a fun way). These boundaries are the very things the sub needs to be honest about and communicate in order to prevent harm and to keep kink “safe, sane, and consensual,” as people say.

“How Can I Tell if I’m a Little?”

Someone asked me this question, and to be honest, I had no idea what the answer to this question was, and I figured that research wouldn’t exactly help, because facts and statistics don’t exactly help you explore and learn about yourself. So, I decided that an interview would be my best bet for getting an answer for all of you. I interviewed Instagram user @dadaslildevil to get some answers, and I think it went pretty well. I’m putting the entire interview on here, and it has a lot of information.

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Me: What are some key points of figuring out if you’re a little? Like, what thoughts/desires/behaviors define being a little?

Her: I don’t really believe there’s any key pointers but for me personally, I’ve always been childish at heart. I’ve always enjoyed coloring, pastel colors, cartoons, etc. but I never identified as a little until I found out what it was. But overall I figure littles are childish at heart.

Me: Are littles always subs?

Her: Not all kinds of littles are subs. Age regressors tend to (most of the time) stay away from power exchange and all. However, ddlg littles do tend to either be submissive or switches.

Me: The person who asked me about this topic said that they they feel they “don’t behave as strongly as some of the accounts [they] follow.” What would you say to that? Does someone need to behave “strongly” like a child to be a little?

Her: No, they do not. Littles can have both little spaces and middle spaces. Little space tends to range from maybe 0-7 years old and middle space I’d say is about 8+ but overall regardless of what age that person regresses to, they are still a little.

Me: Okay. And, from my understanding, the little does not need to act like a little all the time, correct?

Her: Correct. Very few people I know are 24/7 littles. I am not even little all of the time. I put my big life, such as school, first.

Me: Can you tell me a bit about how you came to realize that you’re a little?

Her: Well, last November I entered a relationship with someone who I didn’t know was a daddy dom and he was very open about it, and instead of telling me he’s a daddy dom, he simply babied me and asked me to call him daddy if I was comfortable with it. At first I was kind of timid about it, but within a week of him babying me every day, I regressed for the first time and ever since I’ve tried to regress whenever I can because it helps me cope with a lot of stress.

Me: Do you think you would’ve realized that you’re a little if not for that relationship?

Her: I feel like eventually, if I never had been in that relationship, I would’ve found out about ddlg simply because I’m curious and I’ve come to find out after telling a friend at school that I’m a little, that I have a few friends that are in the community as well. However being in that relationship helped me discover it a lot sooner.

Me: What is it like to regress?

Her: When I regress, i feel young, vulnerable and careless. A lot of times when I regress I completely forget about the stressful stuff that’s going on in my big life (and there tends to be a lot) and it just overall helps me feel at peace.

Me: Nice, it sounds like almost a meditative state. Did you ever struggle with any social stigma of being a little?

Her: I personally haven’t because I am not very open about it to those around me. The only ones that know are my friends at school within the community and a few close friends outside of the community.

Me: Okay. But on that topic, did knowledge of social stigmas maybe make it difficult to embrace being a little in the first place?

Her: Yes, definitely. It still slightly does. I always get those moments where I wanna be very out to everyone with it but then I get very nervous that a lot of people in my life won’t approve and I’ll lose them because of it so I try to hide it a lot.

Me: Well, I suppose it’s a good thing that it’s something that can be hidden from most people then. One last question: what advice would you give to someone trying to figure out if they’re a little?

Her: For someone trying to figure out if they’re a little, try not to dwell so much in the common stereotypes of being a little because there’s no right or wrong way of being a little. Their little space is theirs and your little space is yours and my little space is mine. There’s no expectations that have to be met to be yourself.

(The next day, I thought of two more questions, so I decided to go ahead and ask her)

Me: How does a person determine their little age?

Her: I believe it depends on what activities they like to do while in little space, or what shows they like to watch. However, I know plenty of people who also don’t have an established little age.

Me: And do you generally act as a little in the bedroom, out of the bedroom, or both? And if both, is it usually one moreso than the other?

Her: I personally do not [act as a little in the bedroom], but I do know some who do. My little space is moreso out of the bedroom.

Me: So it’s whichever suits the particular person?

Her: Yes

Me: Okay. That’s all the questions I have. Thanks again for your time!

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Overall, it seems that the big takeaway from this is that there is no one way to be a little. There are options of what your little age is, when you’re in little space, whether you associate being a little with sex, etc. Similarly to labels of sexuality, being a little is something that you really define yourself and determine if you feel it suits you. Just explore being a little, having your partner baby you and calling them daddy/mommy, and do your best to ignore stigmas, and you’ll likely figure it out.

Do a lot of people like anal play?

According to a 2006-2008 study, 44% of straight men and 36% of straight women admitted to having anal sex at least once in their life, and in a 2010, 40% of people aged 20-24 said they’ve tried anal. That is a huge upward trend if you compare it to the 90’s, during which that number was less than 20%. This is likely thanks to a few things, including porn, social media, and the disassociation of anal sex with homosexuality. These numbers have risen over time and they are probably likely to continue to do so. But of course, these studies didn’t account for how many people enjoyed it or for the varying degrees of anal play. For example, I have tried anal, and I’ve found that, while I’m not too fond of being actually penetrated anally, I do like anal vibrators. From my experience, though, it sounds like there are plenty of people who do enjoy anal sex, and even more who are at least willing to try. If you’re looking for someone to engage in anal sex with, I don’t think you’ll have too big of an issue finding someone, especially if you’re a woman. And regardless of how common or uncommon a kink is, don’t feel like you’re weird for it. It’s perfectly fine to enjoy anal sex, and plenty of people do.